TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have A different spot in which American Adult males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply All people a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It's that he should prevent applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the venture, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from space, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down company."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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